She Said/She Said: The Real Way Women Communicate With Each Other

We all know that there is a distinct differenceShe considers you insignificant; after all you are just
between the way men and women communicate inanother woman. How could you possible be anyone
business. But what about woman to womanof import?Let's explore this mindset. Have you ever
communication? Who talks about the way womenfound yourself in a predominately male crowd with a
deal with each other in their communications? It's notfew women sprinkled throughout? Did you find
all that pretty and proper like some would have youyourself gravitating toward the men and ignoring the
believe.I'm always astounded when I read a feelwomen? I have done that. Why with my vast
good article that talks about women dealing withexperience am I engaging in this behavior? I've been
other women. You know all about the mysteriousconditioned. We all have! With so few business
women who have never had a problem, exchanged awomen in the male dominated business environment,
cross word or damaged a relationship. Where doI am forced to make snap decisions about the
these women live? In La La Land.I have workedwomen in the room. Why are they there? Are they
almost exclusively with women for 10 years andany help? What is their purpose? Given that they are
have encountered almost every conceivable behaviora woman too; can they be of any significance? Did I
both good and bad. I am bombarded with calls andscrutinize their appearance? You bet. I checked her
emails every day that run the gamut. The repeatingout down to the last detail. Interesting analysis, huh?
links that stand out are the lack of professionalism,That's what the gate keeper is thinking about
support and empathy that is evoked fromyou!One unfortunate communication characteristic
women.The simple truth is that women's dealing withmost of us have encountered from another woman
other women is a very complex connection. Manyis the one who delivers as the ugly green-eyed
factors influence our communication style some ofmonster: jealously. Consciously or unconsciously we
which have been inbred from when we were smallevaluate and compare our successes or failures with
children. We can't change those influences now butothers in our circle of acquaintances or even high
we can pattern ourselves to think before we speakprofile women whole accomplishments we can never
and work within the boundaries of sharedhope to replicate. Making these assessments puts a
experiences.Think of your communication in terms ofslant on our communication style. If someone is more
the roles you play in your relationships:successful r has a higher profile, we automatically
businesswoman, confidant, wife, mother, friend,assume the worst. Our suspicious minds want to
sister, boss, associate, colleague and so on. Eachknow how she got there. We think she must be
character requires a different persona and differentsleeping with the boss, have the goods on someone
style of communication. Be prepared to support thatin the company or is the "token" women (not to
part in your communication style. Speaking gives youworry you are not alone men have these same
more ways to legitimize your communication context.thoughts too). Get over yourself! She won!! Maybe
If you are verbally communicating face to face, bodyyou can't control the emotion but you can keep from
language, inflection, eye contact and (mostinterjecting the thoughts into the tenor of your
important) overall appearance can sway the recipientconversation. Think before you speak. Dispel any
before you even open your mouth.Let's start bypreconceived notions about the person you are
talking about how women communicate. In our timespeaking to which might distort the message you are
crunched, stressed-out over-committed lives weconveying. Engage some benign small talk while you
rarely communicate in a proactive way. When wemarshal your thoughts. Put yourselves on equal
reach out to other women, it's usually because wefooting. It's an old saying, but it resounds with truth:
need something (not because we are staying inShe puts her pants on one leg at a time just like you
touch). Establishing a bond before you actually needdo.Moving on, what about the convenient
something will greatly increase your chance ofnon-communicator? Have you ever had an associate
positive communication. One method I find highlywho worked her way to the top of the company
successful is staying in touch through a weekly ezineonly to disassociate herself with those at a lower
that I write and distribute. The ezine includes helpfullevel? I know such a person. She went so far as to
tips and information. When I send it, I'm not askingsay to me, "I don't have time to associate with any
for anything. I'm working toward building a rapportone not at my level on the food chain." I've known
and establishing a familiarity. The truth is that this willthis person a long time and until this she was just a
be to my benefit at the time when I might needregular "gal." This phenomenon is much more
assistance. Whether the recipient reads my column orprevalent than you think. Psychologists named it
not, they get a weekly communiqué that builds"drawbridge syndrome." You bring up the bridge
brand awareness of who I am and what I stand for.behind you as you cross it and advance up the
One sure way to build an affiliation that is not basedcorporate ladder. Don't let this happen to you.
on need is to send a person a note commenting on aRemember where you came from. Be true to
job well done, an award, a promotion or otheryourself and those who support you. Treat all
newsworthy event in their life. People love to bewomen with equal respect no matter how high you
flattered and even the most hardened professionclimb on the ladder to success.A glaring problem with
likes to be told she is making a difference.Along thewomen's communication is that on the receiving end,
same lines of selfish communication comes fromwe take everything personally. Whether it's an
women who want to do business with you. In myunfavorable reply, a statement about a situation, or
case, it's women who want to do business with mean issue to be resolved many women take it as a
expect me to do all the work. They go to mypersonal affront. Wrong! What is happening is
website and find out all about me and become a starbusiness. It may be good business practice and has
catcher. Well, this is annoying to me. The fact is thatnothing to do with you personally.Here are some
when doing business you have to be prepared tosuccessful methods to open a door for a long-lived
hold up your end. Get to the point immediately. Tellrelationship.- Get a referral from someone who
the receiver who you are and what you can do foralready knows you or is working with the person you
them - not what you expect them to do for you.are trying to foster. Communication by word of
Keep your communication benefits driven. Don't go inmouth is a strong influencing factor among women. A
blind. The entire time you are communicating withreferral gives you instant credibility.- Ask for
someone in business, they are thinking WIIFM (what'sassistance or help with a project. Depending upon the
in it for me).On this front, a reactive commontype of appeal you make will influence your success
communication issue is our response when we hearrate. Make your request short and sweet with clear
from someone out of the blue who wants a favor.cut benefits to them with solid results. "You will get X
We know that they came out of no where andfor your help."- Use humor. It lightens the moment
want something, but will never return the favor.and softens the situation. This works well when you
Forget all that hocus pocus about good deeds beinghave committed a faux pas.- Make a clever,
returned. The plain and simple truth is that it doesn'tinteresting, or powerful statement. Remember
work and that serves to build hidden resentment. Ifwomen are busy and multitasking. Capture their
someone asks a favor and you expect it to beattention with an important message.- When you
returned, then communicate the trade up front. Call itreceive or experience an unsavory
reciprocity or whatever you like. Just make sure thecommuniqué, let it rest before you respond.
person understands the handshaking going into theWomen are notorious to come back with clever
bargain.Email communication is doubly hard becauserepartee.On occasion, even the great communicator
we all carry the baggage of preconceived notionsstill won't get it with another woman. I recently sent
about a person's message. This is the case evena message to my readers that was quite funny. 95%
when we have never met them! We are judged byof the people thought it so and replied with that
the written language used to communicate. Spendthought in mind. The other 5% let me know that
time carefully crafting your written communications.they thought the message abrasive, arrogant and
Would you be offended if some one wrote thecondescending. The fact is that you are never going
same thing to you? Is there something you wouldto please ever woman you interact with. There are
read into the message? We have become notoriouslysome women you will never "connect with" despite
lax in business etiquette in our email correspondenceyour best effort. My advice? Move on to the next
because it's so easy to use. Before you hit that sendrelationship and put the unsuccessful one on the back
button, think about what you are writing and howburner. Don't destroy it with a nasty, condescending
you are communicating it.One of the most common(responsive) rebuttal.Above all think before you
written communication errors is to either misspell orcommunicate with another woman. Run the sound
get someone's name wrong. For example, we maybyte through your head before you open your
use Katherine instead of Catherine or Kathleenmouth. How does it sound to you? Would you be
instead of Caitlyn. For some unknown reason womenoffended or antagonized if someone said the same
freak out over this misstep. Some of the nastiestto you? Is your connection on a deeper level? Do
messages I ever received resulted from making thisyou clearly state a benefit? Remember it's not
type of simple error. If this happens to you, apologizealways what you communicate, but the method and
and move on. If this mistake has soured themanner in which you communicate it.Discover the
relationship, accept that nothing will salvage it.Whateasy way to make yourself stand out from others.
about our covert communication techniques? DuringHow to become an expert in your field; How to
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