| It wasn't that Cousin Charley was mean, or even | | | | prospect was too unnerving.Shortly after mid-day |
| irreligious. He just had a hard time figuring out where | | | | dinner, he stuffed some cold biscuits in his pocket, |
| fun left off and devilment started.Charley was a | | | | eased his single-shot 22 rifle off the top of the |
| natural-born hell raiser in a time and part of the | | | | kitchen cupboard and quietly slipped away for a bit |
| country where dissent was tolerated -- if not | | | | of hunting. It was certain that his outing would |
| admired -- if it was imaginative and daring. My cousin | | | | extend past the revival's last "hallelujah."Hunting |
| filled the bill admirably.I wasn't allowed to associate | | | | licenses and game seasons were unheard of. You |
| too freely with him because I was six years old and | | | | shot whatever wild animals or birds that jumped up in |
| gullible -- while Charley was 15 and "full of the old | | | | your gun sights. That day, a razorback hog come |
| Nick." He once convinced me that "only soft wood | | | | within range of Charley's rifle.Razorbacks are swine |
| will burn, but hard wood, like this here by the back | | | | that have wandered away from farms and gone wild. |
| door, will only scorch if ya put a fire to it."If'in ya | | | | Their descendants are long legged, muscular and agile. |
| don't believe it, just try it. Here's a match."Eager to | | | | Without the easy living of captivity, the wild hog has |
| test this Great Law of Nature just revealed by my | | | | no fat, hence the backbone shows prominently and |
| grown-up cousin, I stacked up a dozen lengths of | | | | gives the animal it colloquial name.Charley squeezed |
| stove wood, stuffed in a tow sack of corn shucks | | | | off a shot and dropped the razorback in its tracks. |
| and set fire to the lot.It made a dandy blaze -- much | | | | However, the bullet had only creased the skull of the |
| to my chagrin.The girls screamed, and the men folk | | | | wild hog and temporally stunned it.What to do with |
| dashed out of the house to throw a couple of | | | | an agitated razorback?An inspired scheme took |
| buckets of pump water on the fire. My father dusted | | | | shape in Charley's fertile mind. Muzzling the animal and |
| my britches and confined me indoors for the rest of | | | | tying its legs, he hoisted it to his shoulders and set |
| the day, "where the women can keep an eye on | | | | off for the church.It was turning dusk, and the final |
| you."Charley had sauntered off into the woods | | | | session of the revival was well underway, when |
| immediately after setting me adrift on the sea of | | | | Cousin Charley slipped up to the rear of the little |
| misadventure, though he undoubtedly watched the | | | | country church. The razorback had regained all it |
| excitement from the safety of some convenient | | | | faculties and was squirming to free itself from its |
| tree top. Later that day he gave me a jack knife | | | | restraints. Charley was willing to oblige.Charley eased |
| with a one-inch stub of blade as a peace offering. | | | | the animal to an open window, snatched off the |
| "You musta got some soft wood mixed in there," he | | | | ropes and shoved the frantic animal into the |
| said sternly. I promised to be more careful next | | | | church.Women screamed, children hollered and the |
| time.* * *Charley hated going to church because he | | | | men cursed -- thus undoing three days of dedicated |
| had to put on his stiff, Sunday shoes and button his | | | | evangelism. The minister ordered the choir to sing |
| shirt collar.He would submit to the morning service | | | | "Onward Christian Soldiers" in hope of calming the |
| with considerable grumbling. Thereafter, however, he | | | | congregation, but this only added to the noise and |
| considered he had enough grace for another week | | | | confusion.The wild pig scurried frantically under the |
| and evaded the afternoon and evening services with | | | | pews, popping up at the least expected places and |
| a skill born of much practice.Aunt Minnie must have | | | | inspiring renewed screams with each sally. Men |
| known, therefore, that she was courting disaster | | | | wallowed on the floor trying to corner the intruder, |
| when she undertook to wash the whole family in the | | | | bumping shins and heads with each lunge."Hell fire and |
| Blood of the Lamb during a three-day revival | | | | damnation!" shouted Uncle Virgil angrily -- along with a |
| meeting.An itinerant evangelist had gotten lost in the | | | | few other choice epithets from his justly famous |
| "boot heel of Missouri" and was trying to work his | | | | vocabulary -- as he sustained a sharp bite from the |
| way back into the main stream of civilization by | | | | razorback.It was an hour or so before the meeting |
| preaching the gospel wherever an offering plate | | | | could be resumed under some semblance of |
| would be passed on his behalf.In those days, a revival | | | | normalcy. But the spell was broken. There were no |
| was an endurance contest between the minister and | | | | more souls saved that night, although the collection |
| the congregation. The objective was to whip up | | | | was as good as could be expected under the |
| enthusiasm for the Lord that lagged under the | | | | circumstances.* * *Uncle Virgil finally caught the pig |
| vicissitudes of a hard life. Moss-back sinners, who | | | | and took it home for butchering. "I wonder who |
| seemed to abound in southeast Missouri, needed a | | | | poked that critter into the church," he mused to |
| powerful lot of persuasion.Three days of | | | | Aunt Minnie.It was obvious to Aunt Minnie as to who |
| concentration on the project was considered only | | | | was responsible. Everybody's whereabouts that night |
| once-over-lightly. A two-week revival with an all night | | | | could be accounted for except Charley's."It's |
| "gospel sing" and baptizing with white robes in the | | | | blasphemy, Charles, she declared. "You'll burn for |
| river of the final Sunday was the preferred | | | | eternity in the fires of Hell if you keep this up!"Cousin |
| procedure.Nevertheless, poor people had to make do | | | | Charley hung his head, but was unrepentant. "I jest |
| with whatever salvation was at hand.A bob-tailed | | | | wanted to see if the preacher could tell any |
| revival meeting would have to suffice for Aunt | | | | difference between the wild pig and all those |
| Minnie's brood -- including Uncle Virgil and | | | | screeching sinners."Uncle Bill clinched his jaw to keep |
| Charley.Cousin Charley, under extreme duress, | | | | from laughing out loud. He bit off the end of his pipe |
| suffered through Friday night, Saturday night and | | | | stem, but kept a straight face. "Now, Minnie, that's |
| Sunday morning - - an all-time record.Uncle Virgil was | | | | something to ponder, you've go to admit," he said. |
| "saved" on Sunday morning after some stiff nudging | | | | "Besides, 40 pounds of sausage isn't a bad trade for |
| in the ribs from Aunt Minnie. He had taken the trip to | | | | 40 miserable souls."Lindsey Williams is a Sun columnist |
| the front row on several other occasions, but Aunt | | | | who can be contacted at:Website: with several |
| Minnie was never sure the conversions had taken | | | | hundred of Lin's Editorial & At Large articles written |
| firm root. She saw to it that salvation was | | | | over 40 years.Also featured in its entirety is Lin's |
| administered at every opportunity as a sort of | | | | groundbreaking book "Boldly Onward," that critically |
| heavenly insurance.,Charley calculated his turn was | | | | analyzes and develops theories about the original |
| coming up either Sunday afternoon or evening. The | | | | Spanish explorers of America. |