| I wear glasses.I make no secret of the
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| | saw you making a fool of yourself. The
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| fact that my eyes are genetically mutated
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| | glance is useless, of course. Without my
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| when compared to you few out there who
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| | glasses, I can't even see if there are
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| can recognize faces in satellite photos,
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| | people in the room, much less if they are
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| spot friends in airplanes cruising at
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| | watching me or not.Sure, a lot of people
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| thirty thousand feet and read bumper
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| | have made the switch to contact lenses,
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| stickers in adjacent states. I've gotten
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| | but I'm not one of them. There are a
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| quite used to waking each morning and not
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| | number of reasons (okay... four) why I
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| having a clue where I am until I reach
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| | don't trust contact lenses.1. Contact
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| over to my nightstand and grab my extra
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| | lenses are invisible. (Have you ever seen
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| set of eyes. The floor of my bedroom
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| | contact lenses in anyone's eyes? No? Then
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| could have dissolved over night and left
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| | they must be invisible.)2. I'm not real
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| a mile-wide crater, but I'd roll right
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| | keen on the idea of putting these little
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| out of bed none the wiser if I didn't
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| | things into my eyes and just expecting
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| have my glasses on.I got my first pair of
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| | them to stay there. I mean, is there some
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| glasses when I was in the fourth grade.
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| | kind of glue holding them in? Is it
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| At the time I was only one of two kids
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| | magic? Do all contact lense wearers hold
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| who actually wore glasses, so I was
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| | their heads tilted slightly upwards?
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| fairly thrilled at having something which
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| | What happens if you look down? Won't
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| very few fourth graders had at the time.
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| | they fall out and get lost in the
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| I'd go around looking at people and
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| | carpeting?3. People who wear contact
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| smiling and hoping they'd guess what was
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| | lenses always walk around with bloodshot
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| new about me.The other fourth graders
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| | eyes that make it look as though they've
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| would look me over and ask , "Did you
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| | just returned from a funeral for their
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| lose some weight?" or "You get a
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| | entire family where all the attendees
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| haircut?" But one fine day the smartest
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| | grieved by smoking tear gas grenades.4.
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| fourth grader of them all, Patrick
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| | When a person wearing contact lenses gets
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| Panduzi, walked up to me and said: "I
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| | something in his or her eye, the
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| know what is different about you. You
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| | experience does not seem to be a fun one.
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| just had your braces taken off!" I was
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| | Most voice their discomfort with a very
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| overjoyed, of course. I've never actually
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| | clear: "AAAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!!! GET IT
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| had braces, but at least he was getting
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| | OUT, GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!! OH DEAR
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| closer.My first pair of glasses were big
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| | GOD!! AAAAAARRRRRG! KILL ME! KILL ME
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| and round and ugly. The frame was made of
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| | NOW!!"And if I'm bothered by the idea of
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| a thick plastic whose color could only be
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| | sticking a little piece of clear plastic
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| described as "a dark sewage-like brown
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| | in my eye, you can imagine how I feel
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| with lighter brown blotches reminiscent
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| | about having laser surgery to correct my
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| of puke swirled in for that really
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| | less-than-perfect vision. I looked into
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| sophisticated effect." They were the
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| | this process at one time but quickly felt
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| kind of glasses that could assure my
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| | that it wasn't quite for me:"So, Doctor,
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| nerdom for all time if it had ever been
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| | you're going to point a
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| doubted before. The term "bullfrog"
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| | laser...""Yes...""...at my
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| comes to mind when I think of my
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| | eyes?""Yes...""A laser...""Yes...""And
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| portraits in those days.But as a fourth
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| | when you say 'laser' you really mean a
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| grader, I was happy with them. We fourth
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| | microscopically thin unimaginably hot
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| graders would regularly have discussions
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| | blade of concentrated light that, from
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| about whether or not they could deflect
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| | what I can tell from copious science
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| bullets if I was shot in the eye and
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| | fiction movies, is pretty much the
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| always wondered what would happen if I
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| | ultimate cool weapon if you want to
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| stared straight at the sun while wearing
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| | overthrow an evil empire or blow apart a
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| them. Some said the lenses would form a
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| | planet?""Well...""It was a 'yes' or 'no'
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| laser beams, melt my eyeballs, and blow
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| | question!""Now, Tom-""And this laser has,
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| my brains out the back of my head. But
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| | on the side of the casing, a good
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| the smarter fourth graders knew that
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| | thousand scary words warning you of
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| eyeballs don't melt, they explode.Today I
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| | exactly how amazingly, blindingly
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| still wear glasses, but now I've left the
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| | dangerous and stupid it is to aim this
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| wonderful world of crap-colored plastic
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| | laser straight at your
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| and moved on to wire frames. I do this
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| | eye.""Umm...""That's the laser you're
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| for a number of reasons such as comfort
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| | going to shoot into my eye to 'fix' my
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| and fashion, but mostly because I know
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| | eye sight?""Tom, I think you're
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| that my chances of being hit by lightning
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| | simplifying this a bit...""Your laser.
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| in the face are not greatly increased by
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| | My eye. Not going to happen..."I have
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| wearing them, as we used to think in the
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| | been wearing glasses for most of
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| fourth grade.Contrary to what many of you
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| | childhood and adult life now. I think
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| believe, wearing glasses is not all
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| | I'll probably continue to wear glasses
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| fun.It is not fun to walk in from the
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| | for the foreseeable (ha, get it?) future.
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| cold and immediately lose all visual
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| | In fact, when people ask me what things
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| contact with the world as your glasses
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| | were like before I wore glasses, I have
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| fog over.It is not fun to misplace your
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| | to say I don't know. It's all just a
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| glasses, only to discover that you can't
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| | blur to me...Humorist Tom Coffee
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| find your glasses unless you are wearing
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| | regularly makes a mess at His writing
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| your glasses.It is not fun to poke
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| | chronicles his adventures in trying to
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| yourself in the eye while trying to
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| | lose weight, escape his office job, fix
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| adjust your glasses out of habit, even
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| | up his old house and cope with becoming a
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| when you aren't wearing them. This
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| | father for the first time. Filled with
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| maneuver is usually followed by a quick
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| | wit, emotion and silliness. Life is
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| glance around the room to check if anyone
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| | funny. Have some Coffee...
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