The Eyes Have It

I wear glasses.I make no secret of the fact that myif anyone saw you making a fool of yourself. The
eyes are genetically mutated when compared to youglance is useless, of course. Without my glasses, I
few out there who can recognize faces in satellitecan't even see if there are people in the room, much
photos, spot friends in airplanes cruising at thirtyless if they are watching me or not.Sure, a lot of
thousand feet and read bumper stickers in adjacentpeople have made the switch to contact lenses, but
states. I've gotten quite used to waking eachI'm not one of them. There are a number of reasons
morning and not having a clue where I am until I(okay... four) why I don't trust contact lenses.1.
reach over to my nightstand and grab my extra setContact lenses are invisible. (Have you ever seen
of eyes. The floor of my bedroom could havecontact lenses in anyone's eyes? No? Then they
dissolved over night and left a mile-wide crater, butmust be invisible.)2. I'm not real keen on the idea of
I'd roll right out of bed none the wiser if I didn't haveputting these little things into my eyes and just
my glasses on.I got my first pair of glasses when Iexpecting them to stay there. I mean, is there some
was in the fourth grade. At the time I was only onekind of glue holding them in? Is it magic? Do all
of two kids who actually wore glasses, so I wascontact lense wearers hold their heads tilted slightly
fairly thrilled at having something which very fewupwards? What happens if you look down? Won't
fourth graders had at the time. I'd go around lookingthey fall out and get lost in the carpeting?3. People
at people and smiling and hoping they'd guess whatwho wear contact lenses always walk around with
was new about me.The other fourth graders wouldbloodshot eyes that make it look as though they've
look me over and ask , "Did you lose some weight?"just returned from a funeral for their entire family
or "You get a haircut?" But one fine day thewhere all the attendees grieved by smoking tear gas
smartest fourth grader of them all, Patrick Panduzi,grenades.4. When a person wearing contact lenses
walked up to me and said: "I know what is differentgets something in his or her eye, the experience
about you. You just had your braces taken off!" Idoes not seem to be a fun one. Most voice their
was overjoyed, of course. I've never actually haddiscomfort with a very clear:
braces, but at least he was getting closer.My first pair"AAAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!!! GET IT OUT, GET IT
of glasses were big and round and ugly. The frameOUT, GET IT OUT!! OH DEAR GOD!!
was made of a thick plastic whose color could onlyAAAAAARRRRRG! KILL ME! KILL ME NOW!!"And if
be described as "a dark sewage-like brown withI'm bothered by the idea of sticking a little piece of
lighter brown blotches reminiscent of puke swirled inclear plastic in my eye, you can imagine how I feel
for that really sophisticated effect." They were theabout having laser surgery to correct my
kind of glasses that could assure my nerdom for allless-than-perfect vision. I looked into this process at
time if it had ever been doubted before. The termone time but quickly felt that it wasn't quite for
"bullfrog" comes to mind when I think of my portraitsme:"So, Doctor, you're going to point a
in those days.But as a fourth grader, I was happylaser...""Yes...""...at my eyes?""Yes...""A
with them. We fourth graders would regularly havelaser...""Yes...""And when you say 'laser' you really
discussions about whether or not they could deflectmean a microscopically thin unimaginably hot blade of
bullets if I was shot in the eye and always wonderedconcentrated light that, from what I can tell from
what would happen if I stared straight at the suncopious science fiction movies, is pretty much the
while wearing them. Some said the lenses would formultimate cool weapon if you want to overthrow an
a laser beams, melt my eyeballs, and blow my brainsevil empire or blow apart a planet?""Well...""It was a
out the back of my head. But the smarter fourth'yes' or 'no' question!""Now, Tom-""And this laser has,
graders knew that eyeballs don't melt, theyon the side of the casing, a good thousand scary
explode.Today I still wear glasses, but now I've leftwords warning you of exactly how amazingly,
the wonderful world of crap-colored plastic andblindingly dangerous and stupid it is to aim this laser
moved on to wire frames. I do this for a number ofstraight at your eye.""Umm...""That's the laser you're
reasons such as comfort and fashion, but mostlygoing to shoot into my eye to 'fix' my eye
because I know that my chances of being hit bysight?""Tom, I think you're simplifying this a bit...""Your
lightning in the face are not greatly increased bylaser. My eye. Not going to happen..."I have been
wearing them, as we used to think in the fourthwearing glasses for most of childhood and adult life
grade.Contrary to what many of you believe,now. I think I'll probably continue to wear glasses for
wearing glasses is not all fun.It is not fun to walk inthe foreseeable (ha, get it?) future. In fact, when
from the cold and immediately lose all visual contactpeople ask me what things were like before I wore
with the world as your glasses fog over.It is not funglasses, I have to say I don't know. It's all just a blur
to misplace your glasses, only to discover that youto me...Humorist Tom Coffee regularly makes a mess
can't find your glasses unless you are wearing yourat His writing chronicles his adventures in trying to
glasses.It is not fun to poke yourself in the eye whilelose weight, escape his office job, fix up his old
trying to adjust your glasses out of habit, even whenhouse and cope with becoming a father for the first
you aren't wearing them. This maneuver is usuallytime. Filled with wit, emotion and silliness. Life is funny.
followed by a quick glance around the room to checkHave some Coffee...